Rule No. 3 Have Good Girlfriends!

You know that feeling you get when you wake up after a big change or a big loss, and you know something is different but it takes you a second to realize what happened.  Then it all hits you at once, and you're like...oh yeah.  I woke up and had all these emails from him from through out the night, pleading with me to come back blah blah blah...

It was my day off and before all this happened, I had made plans to see my cousin for breakfast. She was visiting and I didn't want to cancel so I woke up really early and drove to the restaurant.  I could barely wash my face alone change out of my pajamas, so I showed up looking probably as horrible as I felt.  She of course had no idea either so I filled her in.  She had also been in a bad situation and had made it out, so she was able to offer me perspective.  I'm so grateful she was there, because I was terrified of going to the apartment.  I wasn't scared of him, or that he would be there, or maybe I was I don't remember.  One thing I kept hearing over and over from the people I told was that they'd like to meet this guy so they could kick his sorry ass.  My cousin actually could kick someone's ass so I'm happy she was the one to go back with me for the first time, in case he was there.  I guess I was scared of how I would feel when I saw all of his stuff gone.  I knew that it would be very final, and finality really scares me, even now.  I went in, took it all in, and packed more things to stay with CE.  I just kept saying over and over "I'm so sad, I'm so sad" and luckily I had the right people there at the right time to tell me that everything would be better now.  This brings me to my most favorite rule, Rule No. 3: Have Good Girlfriends!

I always refer to this as my new fabulous life, because the break-up was a huge turning point in my life.  I had a string of loser boyfriends in the past before the Biggest Loser, so this was really my first time being single as an adult.  But I have to give a proper clarification that my life was fabulous before.  I lived abroad and met my other best friend before all this happened.  This experience really made us a lot closer.  CL, the other bestie, and I are a very unlikely pair.  She is foreign and very proper, and I am American and sometimes very un-proper.  She always tells me that she was afraid of me because I wore red lipstick and looked very serious.  I just remember her being the quiet foreign girl amongst a group of loud, rowdy Americans.  I don't even remember how we first started hanging out, but before long we were inseparable and could often be found at the local pub drinking Pimms and eating expensive cake she had bought.

CL was actually one of the few people who met he-who-must-not-be-named.  It was on Day 2 that I told her what had happened and she was just as shocked as CE, at least I think she was.  I feel that she may have had an inkling that he was at the very least, not exactly suitable for me.  We had gone to dinner with CL and her boyfriend while they were visiting and, when I made my confession, she told me that she hadn't liked him very much, and he had really put on a good show for her to seem normal.

She promptly emailed me this list that she had written, it's simply amazing and makes me smile to this day. Again, these things seem simple and very obvious, but I needed to hear them over and over and over again. Love you CL :)

Your list!

1.  Must shower and brush teeth once a day minimum!
2. If they make you feel bad about yourself, or tell you that you are worthless, or any personal putdowns, thats not acceptable, even in a fight.  It it's a fight, it's a fight about a particular behaviour ie; your behaviour makes me feel shit, NOT you are a piece of shit and the way you behave is fucked up. 
3. They must be respectful of your parents - your parents have done a wonderful job raising you, and you have turned out brilliantly, your mum is beyond nice and so cool and I haven't met your dad but presume he is too!  If anyone is insulting of your family, without an exceptionally valid reason, then that's just not good enough.
4. If he ever raises a hand to you, even if its a hit on the arm, leave. Period. You never deserve to be hit, slapped, pushed, or have things thrown at you.  (Unless the push is pushing you out of the way of a car and saving your life!) think about it, you don't go around slapping people, so no one should be doing that to you, any violence is completely and utterly unacceptable, and if it happens once, it will almost definitely happen again, no matter how sorry they are.
5. If you ever feel like you have to hide parts of your relationship from your closest friends, then you know that there's something wrong- you should never feel like you are keeping part of your life from people - if you are ashamed of something, or know deep down it's not right, then that is a major red flag.
6. He should respect your privacy - you should be able to leave your facebook and emails unattended and know that he won't snoop, let alone force you to give up passwords.  A big part of relationship is trust - if you can't trust someone, you can't be with them.  Your sanity is the most important thing, your mental health, and physical health, are not things that should ever be put at risk.  
7. He should never make you feel like everything is your fault - a relationship takes two people working together to achieve success, he should support you and be proud of you, not bringing you down.  Accusing you of not trying hard enough is not acceptable either  - you put so much effort into your relationships, if anything he should be grateful for you and appreciate what you do for him.  Now if it is constructive criticism then there's a difference, maybe he'll say "I really love when you cook this dish, do you think you could do it more often for me?" or "Maybe we could try to be more open with each other?" or even "Sometimes I feel like you are closed off from me, it would mean a lot to me and our relationship if you could feel more comfortable with me and want to tell me more about yourself"...that sort of stuff (less cheesy though!) but you know the difference missy, coz you are a smart girl!
8. Above all, he should make you feel loved and secure, not scared, and not like you aren't doing enough.  If the good days don't outweigh the bad then something isn't quite right, but you are the most important person, because at the end of the day the only person you have is yourself.  You must love yourself before anyone else can, and you need to remember that you deserve respect and to be treated well - look at the way your dad and mum treat each other, think of other successful relationships and see difference in how they talk to each other, even when having disagreements.  Most importantly, never be afraid of being alone, because being alone and happy is better than living through hell with somebody, if somebody else is negatively impacting your self esteem, or trying to control you rather than encourage you then you know it's not right.  Think of how your dad treats you, like his princess, that's what you deserve.  Nothing less.  

(you can call me Dr. CL hehe)