Perfect on Paper Guy (Round 2...oops)

Fast forward 8 months...8 months and several more disappointments later.  MR and I had stayed friends on social media, and therefore I was aware of what he was up to and vice-versa.  His Facebook and Instagram feeds added to his perfect on paper-ness, he would post funny anecdotes, sayings, and photos that always made me laugh and think of him fondly.

After a few particularly lonely weekends I decided to reach out.  I thought maybe, just maybe, I had judged him too quickly.  I mean isn't it the intellectual attraction that leads to long happy marriages?  As expected, he jumped at the chance to go out again, and we made a date to go to brunch the following Saturday.  I went into it thinking I could just be friends with this guy right?  My friends warned me that it was a bad idea because we knew he had feelings for me, and you can't just turn that off.  It can be a particularly sharp dagger to the heart to be forced to hang out platonically with someone, knowing they don't share your romantic feelings.  Oh well I thought, I was lonely, bored, and in search of male companionship.  Not one of my prouder moments I do admit.

The day of: brunch at a fabulous down town brasserie, complete with mimosas.  Brunch turned into a walk through Union Square, which turned into beers and a football game at a sports bar.  We ended up spending the whole day together, and I thought to myself...hmmm spark??  I had just enough beer to feel like getting rowdy and I invited him back to my place.  As we walked home, arm in arm, I tried to picture myself with this guy.  We got home and made out a little before I moved it into the bedroom.  We didn't have sex...but I let him have his way with me just a little.  I knew right away that it was a mistake, and now I had gotten in this far, and would have to find a way out.  Earlier in the day, we had made tentative plans to see a museum show the following weekend, so I knew I would have to break those plans too! Eeeks. I made up some excuse about being tired and he let himself out.

Shamefully I did the slow fade.   I broke our museum plans, and then just never re-scheduled.  I may have left a few subsequent texts unanswered too...I am not proud of this and I received a FIRM scolding from CL. She was quite unhappy with me, and rightfully so.  It was childish not to tell him straight up that I wasn't feeling it.  I bury my face in my hands when I think about how disrespectful it was to slow fade from him after we had been intimate and I knew he liked me.  It was just the clearest and most blunt way to send the message I wanted to send, which was it ain't gonna happen.

Perfect on Paper Guy

Anastasia actually gave me a dating two-fer, not only did she get me set up on OkCupid, the dating website, she also set me up with my first real proper date.  Ever.  When she heard that I was new to the dating scene, she jumped at the chance to set me up with her friend MR.  MR was a guy that SHE had met on OkCupid months earlier and, as I found out later to be untrue, was not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with.  We added each other on social media so both of us could scope out the other, and when we both agreed to meet, he set up a perfectly proper first date at my favorite little wine bar.

When I say first proper date, what I mean is that I had never actually met someone for the first time in a romantic dinner setting, where they wore a tie, pulled out my chair, picked up the tab etc...I know, I know it seems late in the game.  I had dated a string of losers for so many years, I had absolutely no standards as to how I should be treated.  Losers even before he-who-must-not-be-named, not in an abusive way, just in a loserish way.  They didn't have proper jobs, proper manners, proper anything.  They were young, unmotivated man children who didn't know the meaning of an adult relationship.

Enter MR and his perfect on paper-ness.  He was 32, worked for the largest tech company in the city, made plenty of money, dressed well, was educated, came from a good family...you can just run down the list of non-negotiable attributes and he checked every single one.  Not only that, but he had his light on.  A guy having his light on is a term from Sex and The City (i.e. the dating bible) where guys are like cabs.  When they're ready to be in a relationship and settle-down, they turn their lights on.  A woman can be her most beautiful, charming self, and if the guy doesn't have his light on,  it will go nowhere.  MR definitely had his light on.

Our first date was a lovely little french wine bar and we ate and drank and chatted up a storm.  I was not immediately attracted to him physically, but the conversation was excellent, and he was just so nice and proper, that I knew I would have to see him again.  We hugged goodbye and he promptly texted me that he had a swell time and would like to go out again.

Our second date was just a few days later, and he took me to this super fancy seafood restaurant in the mission where I tried oysters for the first time!  Hug goodbye, no kiss.  I still wasn't feeling the butterflies you get when you think someone is really cute.  I  felt like I was trying to convince myself to like him.  This is the sweetest, most perfect guy, and I wasn't the least bit sexually attracted to him.  I felt frustrated at the thought of giving up someone so genuinely nice and smart and funny, when I had a string of losers in my past.  CE and CL pointed out that ALL the guys I date should be up to this standard, and that I don't need to marry the first guy who actually treats me properly.

I decided to have one last ditch effort at chemistry, I decided I would go out with him and kiss him.  Just on the off-chance that was all I needed to light the spark.  Third date: swanky Italian restaurant, lots of wine and pasta...and a cocktail or two.  I was feeling brave and summoned up the courage to just go for it.  At the end of what felt like 10 courses, he walked me to a cab.  Just as he opened the door for me, I went in for the kill.  It was completely lackluster,  not a spark at all.  I pray to god he never reads this because he was truly so very kind and fun to be around.  I just couldn't summon up the feelings I needed to feel to really like someone.  I ended it the next day, and he was, of course, a perfect gentleman about it.  He said that dating is a process and this was a fun one...I mean is that the nicest thing ever.  UGH!!!

Online Dating Begins

Back to square one.  A dinner date with a girl named Anastasia was my first foray into the terrifying world that is online dating.  After hearing about the failures that were my steamy work affair and the too-young MWS, she promptly offered me a solution: OkCupid.  This is a free dating site for 20-somethings similar to eHarmony or Match.com.  At this stage in my journey, I had NEVER even thought of online dating,  not that I looked down upon it, the thought just never presented itself in my day to day life.  I knew a few girls who had used it in London, and they had moderate success, still the idea seemed very foreign to me.  I thought that people would just judge me on my pictures and I felt really awkward writing about myself, with the intent of seducing someone with my personality?  This is too weird.

Anastasia was quite forceful, she immediately commandeered my laptop and began setting up my profile.  She wrote these completely ridiculous, drawn-out, lengthy paragraphs describing me, which were not in my voice at all.  But I was a good sport and went along with it.  Anastasia is this real take-charge kind of girl, and the second she senses a project, she moves in full steam ahead.  She not only made my profile, but started "liking" guys for me, and writing them these equally ridiculous messages full of things I would never say.  She was very clear with me, you will only get out of this what you put into it, she said to me.  Meaning that I would need to log hours reading and re-reading people's profiles, trying to eek out some semblance of attraction or interest.  It was fun at first, but then felt like a lot of work with little to no result.

A week or so later, I went on my first and only OkCupid date.  His name was Henning and he was German.  His pictures were cute enough, although he looked different in every one, a huge red flag in the online dating world.  We had a few flirty emails back and forth, before we exchanged phone numbers and began texting.  When he asked to meet, I suggested the cafe/bar by my work, where I could make a quick getaway if needed.  Turns out it was needed, badly.  

We greeted each other and sat down at the bar, I ordered my favorite drink, and when the server turned to him, he ordered water.  Just. water. What?  The server, who knows me, looked at me quizzically.   He confessed, "Oh, by the way, I don't drink."  I thought to myself, then why hell did you meet me at a bar?  He said that he "partied too hard in college" and was sober now.  Which is fine, more power to you.  However as the lovely bestie CE said when I asked her if I could date someone who didn't drink, she looked me and rattled off three major points off on her fingers.  Brunch, Napa, wedding toast.  Three activities a sober partner could not partake in.  No thank you.

It wasn't just that he didn't drink.  After ordering his water, he launched into a speech about how the CalTrain unions were going to be the downfall of our society.  I'm all for discussing politics, but never on the first date, and not if you're a weird communist.  I pretty much gulped down my drink, made up an excuse about needing to get back to work, and high-tailed it outta there.  The entire date lasted maybe 20 minutes.

I deleted my account the next day.  Not because of weird German guy, but because I just wasn't feeling it.  I conversed electronically with a few other guys, some I liked, some I didn't.  But I never met another guy from OKC again.  I just could never get the hang of reading through all the stuff.  Which is why I switched to Tinder, but more on that later :)

Not every guy will be your boyfriend

As a newbie to the dating scene, I tend to be a little bit irrational sometimes, and have the hugest expectations known to man.  I pretty much go into every first date thinking, "Is this my new boyfriend!"...I'm learning how to lower my expectations, at least until I get to know the person!  I'm trying to get this thing up to present day, so I can write about what I'm actually doing today in this moment.  But there's just too many good stories that need to be told.  This one is about expectations.  MWS's expectations were WAY too high, even for me.  So I moved on from him.  Back to JL, the bartender.  I figured I could pretty much call him up anytime I wanted, since he was so eager to date me at first.  One particularly lonely Friday night, I contacted him saying I wanted to hang out.  He was working at his other bar ( one of about five jobs this guy has...) and invited me to come see him.  I gathered up my trusty crew, CE and her bf, and hauled them down to this little dive bar that had a NYC theme.  The night would play out like this, I told myself going into it: I would sit at the head of the bar, be doted on by him and given endless free drinks, before being whisked home for a night of passionate love-making.  I told you my expectations were high.  Needless to say this was not what happened, and therefore, because I had set my self up so high, I was extremely disappointed when things didn't go according to plan.

First of all it was a Friday night, the tiny place was packed.  JL greeted us warmly, like always, and leaned across the crowded bar to kiss me on the cheek. He immediately cleared people off three stools for us,
( which CE reminded me later was actually very nice) and poured our drinks.  Then he did the unthinkable! He went back to work (shock!) CE had to remind me that he was in fact, at his place of work, and this was not a date.  I totally thought it was a date.  I thought he was going to stand and talk to me all night, with his arm around me, like he had done before.  The feeling began to set in that I was being ignored.  A couple of drinks set in and I began to feel angry.  Now, anyone who knows me, knows that I am not an angry drunk.  I've known some girls in my life that are angry drunks.  This means that they get scary and confrontational and violent when they get a little tipsy.  They yell and curse and may even throw things.  I am not this way at all.  However, I do sometimes get a little emotional.  I proceeded to complain (louder and louder) that I was being ignored, and that I was angry about it.  CE even had to take me outside! Haha I don't think I have ever needed to be taken outside!  Luckily, the bar was busy and loud enough that he couldn't hear my ridiculous complaints.  CE gently calmed me down, and reminded me that not every guy I date is going to be my boyfriend.  JL had absolutely no obligation to me that night, after all, I was the one who blew him off the first go around.  I can't just expect him to drop everything and pay attention to only me!  We left promptly (Thank you CE!) and I'm pretty sure I sent him a drunk text...oops.  Whether or not it was an angry text or a sexy text, I can't remember.  But I highly recommend doing neither of those things when you're angry.  This lesson was a hard one, one I'm still working on.

That one was the end of my rendez-vous with the bartender.  I still see him on the street and say hi.  He was definitely not the one :)