First few Tinder Dates / Johannes aka "Can I bring a Friend?"

During these few months in mid-2013 I had a bit of a dry spell.  Several weeks went by with no prospects on the horizon.  During the MWS/ bartender days, my dating life had become quite popular amongst my co-workers, and everyone was always querying me about my latest conquests.  I loved it because A. (the secret work affair) had a front row seat to all the gossip about me meeting all these interesting guys!  It was quite fun actually.

But then I had a fair bit of time with nothing to do.  Luckily, my guy roomie had convinced me to start using Tinder, and within a few weeks, I had my first Tinder date!  Once you start messaging on Tinder, it's the same format at a regular text message, so you just converse normally.  This guy's name was Ryan, and he was from Louisiana.  He asked me out on a weekend, and unfortunately my work schedule is quite limiting because I was working weekend nights.  Soooo we had to meet for coffee (ugh) during the day (yuck).

We met at a little sidewalk coffee shop, and he was much smaller in person than his photos led on.  We sipped iced coffee and talked about Zydeco music and his southern roots.  I've never been to New Orleans, so I thought it was really cool to talk to him about it.  I thought the date went really well, we hugged goodbye after about 45 minutes or so, and I jetted off to work.

I was certain I would hear from him again...I never did.  Not one peep.  Not a "I had a really good time", nothing.  Fail.  I wasn't too sad about it, I wasn't crazy for the guy or anything.  I was a little down because I found out that my secret work affair, the bad boy I had tried unsuccessfully to make my boyfriend, was dating a girl he really liked.  So I was feeling a bit of an all around rejection.  I had just fallen into a bit of a funk I guess.  In order to boost my spirits, I jetted off to Portland to visit my parents, and just to clear my head a bit.

A few weeks later, I met Johannes aka "Can I bring a friend?"  This guy... He looked really cute in all of his pictures, and we had witty banter via text for a few days before he asked me out that weekend.  Or so I thought.  I was actually out celebrating Halloween with my roomies when I got the now legendary text.  He asked me, "Would you want to meet me and my friend for drinks tomorrow night?"  When I read that my brow furrowed...HUH??? You want to bring a friend on a first date! THAT'S SO EFFING WEIRD.  Like you're not brave enough to meet someone alone?  You have to have a wingman? LAME.  I was out with my guy roomie and he burst out laughing and told me to respond: "What if I like your friend better?"  so I did.  His response was even worse! He said "That's a risk I'm willing to take."  WHAT!!! Then why the hell are we even going out! I should have cut off all communication right then and there because this guy was clearly not someone I wanted anything to do with.  I don't know what I was thinking, but I agreed.  Only on the condition that I could bring my troops along as well.  I begged CE and her bf to come with me, if just to experience the weirdness along side me.  Being the loyal council that they are, they agreed.  I bet his friend was stoked when he found out I was bringing a friend too...little did he know her boyfriend would be in tow...haha sucker!

We gussied up into our Friday finest and trekked down to NoPa.  We were there first so the three of us got some beers and snacks and sat at the biggest table we could find, since there were going to be so many of us on this first date of mine.  A few minutes later I spotted him.  CE and her bf had their backs to the two walking in, and I could see the look of delight drain from the friend's face as he spotted CE...and her then her bf.  Seriously though, if you want a double date then set it up as that!  Don't ask a girl, to come by herself, to meet two guys.  I mean, really.

So there we were, all five of us making awkward first date conversation, when it was really Johannes and I who were sizing each other up.  On top of all the weirdness, Johannes was not cute in person, his friend was definitely cuter (I should have gotten his number!), but both of them were dull and lived up to the high standard of weirdness they had set before we even met.  We chatted for maybe half an hour, before someone spotted the photo booth, and suggested we all squeeze in.  All five of us crammed into the one little photo booth, needless to say the pictures were as awkward as the date itself, I couldn't even bear to keep them.  Johannes and his plus one thought we were going to continue hanging out, maybe go to another bar...but they were sorely mistaken.  I was done.  I'm pretty good at making quick exits, and I just said "It was lovely to meet you", before I pushed my posse out the side door and out onto the sidewalk.  I left Johannes and his plus one there scratching their heads as to what could have possibly gone wrong.

Tinder

My guy roomie, and member of the Jedi Council, did something wonderful for me! He got me to join this dating website called Tinder.  It's for smart phones only, and is MUCH easier than OkCupid, no writing about yourself, except for a tagline, but only if you want.  Here's how it works: you have to sign up through your Facebook page, so the photos that appear on the app come from your profile pictures.  It is incredibly discreet.  As seen in the photo above, a photo pops up with their first name, their age, and their geographic location relative to you.  You choose your geo settings, from 5-20 miles away, and when you open the app, the little geo tracker picks up people in your location range.  You get to see up to 5 photos of the person, and their tagline if they have one.  Most guys write their height and their city, and sometimes a funny joke or phrase.  You then judge them based on their looks alone and choose yes or no.  It is a bit superficial I suppose, but hey we're all looking for an immediate attraction right? Or is that just me?  If you hit no, they can never message you or see your profile again, you can never see theirs again either so there's no taking back!  If you hit yes, it either tells you if you have a match not.  If you have a match, this means that they've already seen your profile and hit "like", and the opportunity to message becomes available.  The beauty of it, and the way it differs from other sites, is that you can only message each other if you have both clicked "like", so you already know that they like you!  If you hit "like", and the match screen does not pop-up, this means that they have not seen your profile yet.  You will be notified if you receive a match later.

The general consensus is that Tinder is meant for casual hook-ups, as my guy roomie warned me, (it's also why he loves it!)  But hey, I've got nothing to lose right?  I instantly racked up a ton of matches, but was instructed by him to never message a guy first.  You have to wait for them to message you or it comes off as too eager I guess.

So out with OkCupid, in with Tinder!  It can be pretty addictive, and I spend many a dull moment flipping through the guys around me.  You tend to notice some very distinct patterns in people's profiles.  Here are types of photos guaranteed to get you a big ol' X: photos with babies, (do you really not have a photo of yourself without a baby?), gym selfies (super-douchey, I get it, you work out), any reference to cross-fit or vegan diets (I do not want to be judged for not working out or for my wine and cheese), any pictures where you cant quite tell what they look, either they have sunglasses (No!, everyone looks good with sunglasses on) or they're in a profile, or they're in a big group, just give me a straight-on picture of your face darn it!  Any selfies for that matter are discouraged, but ones in the mirror are the worst.  Also, if you have more than one picture of your dog that's weird too.

Details on the Tinder dates coming up next!

My Jedi Council

I love dating advice, absolutely love it.  I would ask a stranger on the street for advice just to get an unbiased opinion.  One thing I am SO VERY grateful for is my close circle of friends who are there to give me advice. I have two guys and two girls in my innermost circle, and all four of them are constantly bombarded with dating questions.  I call them my Jedi Council, and am so grateful to them for putting up with my constant questioning.  I feel so naive about dating when I talk to them though, which is essentially why I started this blog.  I needed to track my journey, and my mistakes and successes, so I could learn from them.  I am completely unfamiliar with the traditional dating "Rules" such as playing hard to get, pretending not to care, having standards etc.  The list is endless of the things I have done wrong when it comes to romantic encounters, hence the blog title!

My Jedi Council consists of four, very differing points of view.  My closest girlfriend and roomie, CE, is an ultimate pro at not only playing hard to get, but effortlessly being nonchalant.  Nothing gets to this girl.  Where as I over-think, over-analyze, and over-dissect every signal, text message, and encounter I have.  It's actually why we have such good compatibility as friends, we come from the two farthest opposite ends of the spectrum.  I am super neurotic, anxious, nervous, worried about anything AND everything.  I second guess myself constantly and have known to be completely awkward more often than not.  It just adds to my charm though, right? ;) CE on the other hand, could not be more different.  She spent her entire college/early twenties as a single gal constantly being wooed by various gentleman callers.  She was never a relationship person until this past year, when she started seriously dating a guy who pursued her hard enough that he wore down her guard, and now she's more committed than ever.  Dating was just something that she never thought, let alone worried, about.  She was a fun, care-free, spirited person who loved to be chased, but never allowed herself to be caught.  She's the one who is teaching me how to play hard to get, a concept that goes against every grain of my being.  She also plays a crucial role in keeping my sanity, and every day helps me keep things in perspective, when my nervous anxiety gets the better of me.  

My second council member is the beloved CL, who, as I wrote earlier, is of a different culture entirely.  We met in Europe, and she hails from New Zealand, so her perspective is very old-fashioned and proper.  Two very important perspectives that I unfortunately do not have.  CL has been chased her whole life too, and would never consider someone who did not woo her properly.  Unlike me, both of these girls would never EVER go out of their way to chase a guy, or lower their standards because of a silly crush.  I wish I was that way! 

My third and fourth council members are CE's boyfriend and my boy roomie, both of whom offer me two different male perspectives on things.  CE's boyfriend is a hopeless romantic, and is so over the top in his romantic gestures it is nauseating at times, but I've got to hand it to him, he knows how to woo.  He also treats CE as the ultimate princess of life, and she deserves nothing but the absolute best.  My guy roomie is on the other end of the spectrum, and is the ultimate ladies man.  He is a serial dater and states openly and often how he does not want a girlfriend, he just wants to date very casually.  Every weekend a new girl, most of whom I never see again.  So he is the ultimate authority on guys, and the right way to act to get what you want.  It's funny actually, he's really the guy version of CE, while I'm the girl version of her bf.  It is really true, opposites attract!

I am so grateful that I do not have to go on this journey alone, and I am learning so much from these guys. 

The guy who got engaged at Burning Man/the work set-up

My work colleague JW met her boyfriend (with whom she is now living) on OkCupid, so she was an avid fan of the website.  She fully encouraged me to continue with it, but also had something else in mind for me.  One day while we were at work together, she surprised me mid-conversation by picking up her phone and snapping a picture of me.  When I inquired, she told me she was sending my photo to one of her bf's friends, who had asked JW to set him up.  Once I approved his photo, I let her give him my number, and an hour later I had a date!

We met at a cute british pub and had great chemistry (or so I thought) over a few pints of beer.  He was REALLY cute, had a good job, and was best childhood friends with people I knew really well.  I thought our date went really well!  One thing weird at the end though, as I got up to say good-bye, I thought we were going to hug, but he just awkwardly waved and turned and walked away.  So I awkwardly waved and walked away...hmm no good-bye hug, that's weird.  He may as well have shook my hand.

He actually texted me just a few hours later saying that he had a good time ( a good sign!) and that he would like to hang out again.  Then he started asking me art questions (something that happens to me a lot based on the industry I'm in) and the questions bordered on flirty.  Example: "You'll just have to come over to my apartment to see the Picasso print I have etc..."  Lame, I know, but at least an attempt at creating another hang-out.

So I thought all was good.  I told JW that everything went really well, and she confirmed a similar reaction on his end.  I was certain a second date was imminent, so I waited...and I waited.  And then nothing.  I inquired with JW, and she said that he was traveling, or away or some other of what sounded like an excuse.  I didn't really care too much, I thought he was cute, but clearly he was not into it.  Oh well!

A month or two goes by and I get a random text from JW saying that he was asking about me!  I told her yes please, I would love to see him again.  A few days later I received a text from him apologizing for disappearing, that he had some family stuff to tend to in Yosemite, which is totally legit, no points against him for that.  We texted back and forth for a few days, and after a couple failed attempts to coordinate a time when we could both meet, he trailed off again.  This time he disappeared for good, and I didn't bother asking JW what to do next.


Update:  Fast forward six-ish months and I find out that he had gotten engaged to someone he met at Burning Man!  And after only a few months of meeting! Haha, definitely not my type.

Perfect on Paper Guy (Round 2...oops)

Fast forward 8 months...8 months and several more disappointments later.  MR and I had stayed friends on social media, and therefore I was aware of what he was up to and vice-versa.  His Facebook and Instagram feeds added to his perfect on paper-ness, he would post funny anecdotes, sayings, and photos that always made me laugh and think of him fondly.

After a few particularly lonely weekends I decided to reach out.  I thought maybe, just maybe, I had judged him too quickly.  I mean isn't it the intellectual attraction that leads to long happy marriages?  As expected, he jumped at the chance to go out again, and we made a date to go to brunch the following Saturday.  I went into it thinking I could just be friends with this guy right?  My friends warned me that it was a bad idea because we knew he had feelings for me, and you can't just turn that off.  It can be a particularly sharp dagger to the heart to be forced to hang out platonically with someone, knowing they don't share your romantic feelings.  Oh well I thought, I was lonely, bored, and in search of male companionship.  Not one of my prouder moments I do admit.

The day of: brunch at a fabulous down town brasserie, complete with mimosas.  Brunch turned into a walk through Union Square, which turned into beers and a football game at a sports bar.  We ended up spending the whole day together, and I thought to myself...hmmm spark??  I had just enough beer to feel like getting rowdy and I invited him back to my place.  As we walked home, arm in arm, I tried to picture myself with this guy.  We got home and made out a little before I moved it into the bedroom.  We didn't have sex...but I let him have his way with me just a little.  I knew right away that it was a mistake, and now I had gotten in this far, and would have to find a way out.  Earlier in the day, we had made tentative plans to see a museum show the following weekend, so I knew I would have to break those plans too! Eeeks. I made up some excuse about being tired and he let himself out.

Shamefully I did the slow fade.   I broke our museum plans, and then just never re-scheduled.  I may have left a few subsequent texts unanswered too...I am not proud of this and I received a FIRM scolding from CL. She was quite unhappy with me, and rightfully so.  It was childish not to tell him straight up that I wasn't feeling it.  I bury my face in my hands when I think about how disrespectful it was to slow fade from him after we had been intimate and I knew he liked me.  It was just the clearest and most blunt way to send the message I wanted to send, which was it ain't gonna happen.

Perfect on Paper Guy

Anastasia actually gave me a dating two-fer, not only did she get me set up on OkCupid, the dating website, she also set me up with my first real proper date.  Ever.  When she heard that I was new to the dating scene, she jumped at the chance to set me up with her friend MR.  MR was a guy that SHE had met on OkCupid months earlier and, as I found out later to be untrue, was not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with.  We added each other on social media so both of us could scope out the other, and when we both agreed to meet, he set up a perfectly proper first date at my favorite little wine bar.

When I say first proper date, what I mean is that I had never actually met someone for the first time in a romantic dinner setting, where they wore a tie, pulled out my chair, picked up the tab etc...I know, I know it seems late in the game.  I had dated a string of losers for so many years, I had absolutely no standards as to how I should be treated.  Losers even before he-who-must-not-be-named, not in an abusive way, just in a loserish way.  They didn't have proper jobs, proper manners, proper anything.  They were young, unmotivated man children who didn't know the meaning of an adult relationship.

Enter MR and his perfect on paper-ness.  He was 32, worked for the largest tech company in the city, made plenty of money, dressed well, was educated, came from a good family...you can just run down the list of non-negotiable attributes and he checked every single one.  Not only that, but he had his light on.  A guy having his light on is a term from Sex and The City (i.e. the dating bible) where guys are like cabs.  When they're ready to be in a relationship and settle-down, they turn their lights on.  A woman can be her most beautiful, charming self, and if the guy doesn't have his light on,  it will go nowhere.  MR definitely had his light on.

Our first date was a lovely little french wine bar and we ate and drank and chatted up a storm.  I was not immediately attracted to him physically, but the conversation was excellent, and he was just so nice and proper, that I knew I would have to see him again.  We hugged goodbye and he promptly texted me that he had a swell time and would like to go out again.

Our second date was just a few days later, and he took me to this super fancy seafood restaurant in the mission where I tried oysters for the first time!  Hug goodbye, no kiss.  I still wasn't feeling the butterflies you get when you think someone is really cute.  I  felt like I was trying to convince myself to like him.  This is the sweetest, most perfect guy, and I wasn't the least bit sexually attracted to him.  I felt frustrated at the thought of giving up someone so genuinely nice and smart and funny, when I had a string of losers in my past.  CE and CL pointed out that ALL the guys I date should be up to this standard, and that I don't need to marry the first guy who actually treats me properly.

I decided to have one last ditch effort at chemistry, I decided I would go out with him and kiss him.  Just on the off-chance that was all I needed to light the spark.  Third date: swanky Italian restaurant, lots of wine and pasta...and a cocktail or two.  I was feeling brave and summoned up the courage to just go for it.  At the end of what felt like 10 courses, he walked me to a cab.  Just as he opened the door for me, I went in for the kill.  It was completely lackluster,  not a spark at all.  I pray to god he never reads this because he was truly so very kind and fun to be around.  I just couldn't summon up the feelings I needed to feel to really like someone.  I ended it the next day, and he was, of course, a perfect gentleman about it.  He said that dating is a process and this was a fun one...I mean is that the nicest thing ever.  UGH!!!

Online Dating Begins

Back to square one.  A dinner date with a girl named Anastasia was my first foray into the terrifying world that is online dating.  After hearing about the failures that were my steamy work affair and the too-young MWS, she promptly offered me a solution: OkCupid.  This is a free dating site for 20-somethings similar to eHarmony or Match.com.  At this stage in my journey, I had NEVER even thought of online dating,  not that I looked down upon it, the thought just never presented itself in my day to day life.  I knew a few girls who had used it in London, and they had moderate success, still the idea seemed very foreign to me.  I thought that people would just judge me on my pictures and I felt really awkward writing about myself, with the intent of seducing someone with my personality?  This is too weird.

Anastasia was quite forceful, she immediately commandeered my laptop and began setting up my profile.  She wrote these completely ridiculous, drawn-out, lengthy paragraphs describing me, which were not in my voice at all.  But I was a good sport and went along with it.  Anastasia is this real take-charge kind of girl, and the second she senses a project, she moves in full steam ahead.  She not only made my profile, but started "liking" guys for me, and writing them these equally ridiculous messages full of things I would never say.  She was very clear with me, you will only get out of this what you put into it, she said to me.  Meaning that I would need to log hours reading and re-reading people's profiles, trying to eek out some semblance of attraction or interest.  It was fun at first, but then felt like a lot of work with little to no result.

A week or so later, I went on my first and only OkCupid date.  His name was Henning and he was German.  His pictures were cute enough, although he looked different in every one, a huge red flag in the online dating world.  We had a few flirty emails back and forth, before we exchanged phone numbers and began texting.  When he asked to meet, I suggested the cafe/bar by my work, where I could make a quick getaway if needed.  Turns out it was needed, badly.  

We greeted each other and sat down at the bar, I ordered my favorite drink, and when the server turned to him, he ordered water.  Just. water. What?  The server, who knows me, looked at me quizzically.   He confessed, "Oh, by the way, I don't drink."  I thought to myself, then why hell did you meet me at a bar?  He said that he "partied too hard in college" and was sober now.  Which is fine, more power to you.  However as the lovely bestie CE said when I asked her if I could date someone who didn't drink, she looked me and rattled off three major points off on her fingers.  Brunch, Napa, wedding toast.  Three activities a sober partner could not partake in.  No thank you.

It wasn't just that he didn't drink.  After ordering his water, he launched into a speech about how the CalTrain unions were going to be the downfall of our society.  I'm all for discussing politics, but never on the first date, and not if you're a weird communist.  I pretty much gulped down my drink, made up an excuse about needing to get back to work, and high-tailed it outta there.  The entire date lasted maybe 20 minutes.

I deleted my account the next day.  Not because of weird German guy, but because I just wasn't feeling it.  I conversed electronically with a few other guys, some I liked, some I didn't.  But I never met another guy from OKC again.  I just could never get the hang of reading through all the stuff.  Which is why I switched to Tinder, but more on that later :)