One of the worst things about being in an abusive relationship is how they isolate you. My abuser, we'll call him he-who-must-not-be-named, was not only physically and emotionally violent with me, he was also a calculated socio-path. He carried on an elaborate scheme that involved posing as me in my online outlets, social media, email etc. One of his main goals was to slowly push away those closest to me. So when I stress the importance of Rule No. 1, finding someone you can trust with accountability can be hard.
Luckily, I had a couple outstanding girl friends (more on them later), however, this girl I asked to meet me that day was not one of them. At the time, she was merely an acquaintance and a co-worker with a very head-strong personality. I didn't know it at the time, but I could not have picked a more appropriate person to unleash my first confession on. I didn't have any close friends living near me at the time, so my co-workers became the only people I would socialize with. This girl had been friendly to me ever since I started my job, and it was clear that she was eager for someone her own age to hang out with. We had gone out for drinks a few times but were by no means close. I just knew that she would be working that night and that she would have make-up, so I called her to meet me. We sat in the coffee shop and she fixed my make-up and I told her everything. This girl can be one of those pesky, know-it-all types, but it just so happened that she was familiar with abuse, and lucky for me, she knew exactly what to do.
When I left my house that day I didn't have a plan. I didn't think he would actually move out. When I failed to return, he sent me a barrage of threats via text and I ignored them. I don't know what made him move out so quickly, but within an hour of me leaving, he had a friend with a truck over at the house and was loading his stuff into it. Just as I was about to start my shift I received some photos from him of our empty apartment, very dramatic on his part, but nevertheless those photos sent me over the edge.
There is a very intense and very specific feeling that I get when I panic. The same feeling that caused me to return to him time after time even though I knew it was so very, very wrong. The feeling is a fear of being alone. It sounds so silly to me now, but I know exactly why abused women stay in their relationships far too long. It's out of fear of being alone. Your head is so deep underwater that you can't even see out, let alone think clearly and rationally. This same fear caused me to stay in another relationship for way too long, so it is a pattern of thinking that I struggle with on a daily basis. This panic would set in and I wouldn't go through with my attempts at leaving he-who-must-not-be-named, my irrational mind set would convince me that being with him was better than not having any one at all. This leads to my most very important Rule No. 2, being happy and fulfilled with your own company. Sounds very basic, but is something that not a lot of people can do. More on Rule No. 2 later...
The reality of him really being gone caused me to have a very intense physical reaction. T. and I had left the coffee shop and were just starting to work when I really broke down. I'm surprised I was able to make it about an hour with a brave face on, not letting the public know anything was wrong. But then I couldn't take it any longer, all I wanted to do was run back to him, to beg him to stay with me because I was scared. T. has a private office and I ran upstairs to her and collapsed into a ball on the ground. I was physically sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe. T. did something that I would never have thought of, and is single-handedly the reason I made it through to the other side. She very calmly took my cell phone, logged onto my wireless account, and blocked his number.
So simple, I can't believe I hadn't of thought of it before! That physical barrier, him not being able to reach me, and me not being able to reach him, stopped me from crawling back like I did all those other times. She rolled out a sleeping bag next to her desk and I sat on the floor of her office wailing and sobbing like a mad woman for the next few hours. I felt an emptiness inside me that I will never, ever, EVER feel again. I felt, lost, scared, alone, with no idea where I was going to stay or what I was going to do. At the time, I couldn't even bear the thought of returning to the emptied out apartment, and the thought would send me into hysterics. T. simply sat at her desk and continued to do her work while I sat on the ground next to her wailing like a crazy person. I begged her to undo the block but she just kept repeating to me "It'll be fine, It'll be fine." She told me stories of how her father had abused her mother and how an abuser never changes their ways, no matter how many promises. The only way is to get the eff out. Enter CE.
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