The young guy from the Haight district or MWS

I mentioned previously how important it is to have good girl friends in your life, and how I stumbled upon CL during my time abroad.  Unfortunately, meeting people abroad usually means that when your time together is over, they tend to scatter to various parts of the world.  CL lives about as far away from me as you could get, the other side of the world to be exact, lucky for me she loves to travel!  I was hosting my kiwi bestie for a week of girls time and I was determined to show her a good time.  She insisted on going to this fabulous, 1960's themed bar where they serve big umbrella drinks in pineapples, and there's a floating band in a moat around the restaurant.  After some dinner and dancing, we met an interesting group of people that CL found interesting and wanted to talk to.  They looked friendly, enough, two guys and a girl, young and professional looking.  They invited us to go with them to a bar in the famed Haight district.  One of my dating resolutions is to never pass up an opportunity to go somewhere new, or meet someone new, you never know what could happen!  So CL an I hopped in a cab and followed them over to the Haight.

The Haight district is well known for being the center of the 1960's Summer of Love movement, and that hippy vibe has turned into one of the most fun places to bar hop in the city.  The bar is called Milk and they have great live music and craft beers, a hipster's dream!  CL posted up at the table with her beer and chatted with our new friends while I explored the place a little.  Mind you, we had begun the night at a very swanky, grown-up bar, so we were quite dressed up.  I felt that I looked a little out of place in my little black dress and heels amongst the crowd, but hey! It's never a bad idea to stand out!

I was standing by myself watching the band when MWS walked up to me and said "Come here often?"  Ok I know, I know, cheesiest pick up line ever but you've got to give the guy credit, it's not easy to walk up to a stranger and just start conversation.  He was cute, a bit short, but was dressed well and very confident! Confidence is key, it's something that is very intriguing to me.  Not cocky, no one likes a know-it-all, but confident.  He introduced himself using his full name, middle name included, which was odd but unique. He offered to buy me a drink, I accepted, and we went to go join CL.  Unfortunately, our new friends had left CL all by her lonesome, so MWS (not so subtly ) had his friend chat her, so he could chat me.  CL, being the loyal wing-woman, played along.

The attraction was immediate and we had a lot in common, which made the conversation flow nicely.  After beer number 2 he made his move.  Again! The confidence in this guy!  To just go in for a kiss, mid-conversation, is risky.  You could receive the dreaded pull-back, but lucky for him I was into it.  We hit it off and ended up closing the bar down.  Before we said goodnight, he took my phone and proceeded to enter his number into it.  He put the name as his whole name, first, middle, and last, so he will forever be labeled as the three name guy!

The next morning I woke up giddy at the thought of a new prospect.  I initiated a text conversation by saying that it was fun meeting him, and that we should hang out again soon.  CL approved, and was proud of me for considering someone who actually had a proper job and education.

Our second meeting, or real first date, he invited me back to the Haight, but to a different bar with an African theme.  I could tell he was trying to impress me because he wore a little sweater vest with a collared shirt, and oxford shoes.  We split a bottle of sake and chatted in a more conducive environment to conversation, no loud music, not too dark, and plenty of places to sit.  All in all I was feeling really good about it, until the end.  As I made moves to leave, he offered to walk me to the bus and I let him.  Then as we were walking outside, he said "Can we go to my car to make-out?"...uh sure? Kind of an odd request, being that we are not in high school, and not parked up at make-out point or whatever it's called.  I was put off, but agreed.  I mean he could have at least offered to drive me home! His car was messy and old and I didn't let it last very long before I made my exit.  This was my first red flag that this guy was either too young, or weird, or both.

 A few days later MWS did something that is absolutely unheard of in this day and age, he called me! He actually picked up his phone and called me to ask me out again, so I had to give him major props.  Not only that, but he invited me over to his apartment to cook me a fancy dinner.   This was completely new territory for me, a proper guy inviting me on a proper date!  I was nervous because it was so foreign, but excited at the same time.  I arrived at his place and was pleasantly surprised.  Here is a 22-year-old with a college degree and his own large studio apartment in the city, very impressive.  The apartment was nice and clean and had a very relaxed vibe.  He made me salmon and risotto with a lovely salad and a nice wine.  After dinner we listened to records and compared favorite classic rock bands.  I could tell that he was eager, a little too eager, and it came off as desperate.  I wasn't planning on sleeping with him but he made his move and I didn't resist, what the hell I thought, he seems nice enough.  The sex was awful! First of all, it took place on one of those two-seater Ikea couches, strike one.  I was disappointed to discover that our chemistry halted entirely at the kissing.  He practically begged me to sleepover, and became whiney when I said no that I had to work in the morning, strike two.  No whining or pouting is allowed. ever. I got home that night contemplating if I would ever consider seeing him again.

This is when he started to come off as really desperate.  Not only would he text me weird things, he actually had the nerve to call me on a Saturday night and leave me a disgruntled voicemail saying "I thought we were going to hang out tonight and I was expecting to see you"  when we had made no such plans.  I decided to give him one last chance and invited him over to meet CE and her boyfriend so I could get their opinion of him.  We took some beers up to my roof and he took me aside to ask me the question you should not ask until at least date number 9 or 10, "What are we and where is this going"  woah buddy!  I tried to laugh it off and reminded him that we had known each other exactly one week.  He was not satisfied with my response and started pouting, something that is the least sexy thing for a guy to do.  I made up some excuse about needing to go to bed to get him the heck out of my apartment.

Sorry MWS, desperation does not look good on you.  A week or so later he sent me an angry text message that I didn't want to see him anymore, and that he hopes I "have a nice life."

The 38-year-old Bartender

Thoroughly discouraged by my failure to convert the office bad boy into my life partner, I looked for any reason to distract myself from having to see A. every day.  For once, the opportunity presented itself quite easily, without the usual chase I was used to.  Enter JL.  My place of work is in a large commercial area with a neighborhood pub just across the street.  Our little street of shops consists of bodegas, souvenir stands, corner markets and restaurants.  Even though I work in a fairly tourist based industry, you slowly start to recognize people who work around you.

One cold Tuesday morning, I was sitting at my desk when a scruffy looking guy walked in.  I recognized his t-shirt as having the name of the restaurant nearby.  He walked up to my director to ask about the price of a piece hanging in the window.  She told him, and then he pointed at me and said "And who is this?"  My good-natured director laughed at him and told him my name and said that I could help him with any further questions he had.  He left the store and came back with a chocolate that he gingerly placed on my desk.  I looked at him questioningly.  He said he like the painting of the baseball player, and wished he could afford it for himself, and walked away.

My good-natured (much-older and female) director DM ran up to my desk squealing with delight that he was "flirting" with me.  I said "That was flirting?".  It all happened so fast, I had never seen this man before even though he apparently worked next door.  DM quickly concocted a scheme for me to flirt back.  We have small, postcard reproductions of pieces, and DM suggested I take one to him of his favorite Yankee.  It was almost quitting time by now, so I sauntered my self over to his bar.  When I presented him with the picture, he walked all the way around the bar, planted a huge kiss on my cheek, and gave me a great big bear hug.  His reaction was a bit surprising and threw me a bit off balance.  He immediately started making me a drink and asked me what I wanted to eat.  While I waited for my food, I sipped my martini and he regaled me with stories of New York,  and his adventures as a bartender in California.  As I signed my check he asked if he could take me out, I said yes and gave him my number.  He texted  me later that night asking me if I was ok "dating" a 38-year-old bartender. Woah woah woah buddy "date?", we haven't even gone out once yet! That should have been my first clue.

He called me the very next day and invited me out for a pub crawl with his other bartender friends.  I was to meet him at his bar at 6:00 pm for a small bite.  For some reason, I was more nervous to meet him than I was to meet A.  CE kindly reminded me that I know this guy likes me, so I have nothing to worry about! Easier said than done, this guy was ten years older than me, and I had never dated anyone who was even a few years older than me.

I had a really fun night.  He bought all my drinks, and we went all around the city to all these fun bars I had never even heard of!  This guy is apparently well-known ;), as most bartenders would be I guess.  We couldn't walk down the street without him stopping to say hi to every other person we passed.  We had a very nice goodnight kiss and I made my way home.

The next day I had to work until 10pm, and he called me around 9 asking me to meet him at a bar uptown.  Two days in a row? Sure!  I ran home, changed, and grabbed a cab to go meet him.  Things got pretty heavy with us that night and I ended up inviting him back to my apartment...oops.  It.was.AWFUL.  He had no moves, was awkward and bumpy, and did not satisfy me one (little) bit.  And then he snored so loudly I couldn't even sleep.  The next morning was even worse! He slept until 2:30pm, asked ME to keep it down, and wouldn't leave! I had to make-up some excuse as to why I had to leave, in order to get him to leave.  Like ew.

The following week he texted and called me incessantly.  Normally I would like this because I'm down with instant gratification, but for some reason it really turned me off.  He even came into my place of business and hung around looking for me.  Then I got this dreaded text, "I feel like you're avoiding me".  Buddy! It's been less than a week, like chill out, you're 38.    I was so turned off that I began to do the slow fade.  I was overwhelmed by his eagerness, and I wasn't even sure if a 38-year-old bartender was for me.  He finally stopped reaching out to me, which for some reason flipped a switch in my head that said "Hey, where'd you go?"  It's a funny thing, always wanting what you can't have.

I wouldn't see him for several weeks until I dragged my crew out to his bar one night when I was bored and wanted some attention.  More on that night later, but look for a post labeled "I'm Angry!"

T. Let the Secret Out

As I mentioned earlier, T. and I have had our ups and downs as co-workers.  She was essential in my break-up and helped me through that hard time.  However, as a friend she could be a bit catty.  My steamy work affair  was pretty much coming to a close at this point, or so I thought.  A. was very confusing as a love interest, very hot and cold.  It was hard to write about my experience with him in a concise manner, because I had to see him every day, our affair was drawn out longer.  Although we had only hung out a handful of times, there were times he would try and be sexual or flirty at work, and there were times he would ignore me completely.  It was very confusing.

By this time I had made a couple other close friends at work, girls that I would chat with about A., because they knew him well, and I would ask their advice.  Apparently he had already partaken in an office relationship, with the CEO's assistant, about a year prior to when I started with the company.  This girl had apparently broken his heart and then moved away, all the while stringing him along.  I came to the conclusion only recently that he must have been trying to get over her by fraternizing with me.  It's fine though, I have no hard feelings towards him now, he's still so young.

However, the problem I soon realized with confiding in select people, was that one of them would let the secret out.  It was (surprise!) T.  About one month after our last rendez-vous, I received a text from a close co-worker, that T. had let my secret out to the admin dept. at our company.  Since A. was in the admin dept, he was confronted about our affair by a couple of his fellow admin staff.  The rumour then slowly made it's way back to my department.  I knew it was T. and I confronted her immediately.  She said that she told her close friend, who told his close friend etc...how any rumour gets spread around.  She, however, did not think there was anything wrong with this confession of guilt.  She gave me some lame excuse about not keeping secrets.  So the tiny circle of knowledge had grown exponentially.

I managed to keep relatively calm throughout this, no one in the important upper ranks of the company are aware, (that I know of eeeeks).  And still to this day I play it cool.  I secretly think it's really pretty cool that I pulled off a somewhat incognito, steamy affair with the office bad boy :)

Christmas Party Black out

Dear Future Self,

It's not cool to black out at a Christmas party and follow someone around all night.  How do I know this?  Because I've done it.  Fresh from my rejection by the bad boy, I flew to see my parents for Christmas.  Their oldest, oldest friends were having their annual Christmas Eve party and we were invited.  I was to attend not one but two Christmas Eve parties that night.  I flew from SF to PDX, stepped off the plane into party number 1.  It was a family party, we make waffles every year for dinner, and unfortunately, I only ate 1 single waffle.  I was drinking wine with my waffle and thought I would be ok with just a little meal, turns out I was wrong.  Feeling good, we left for party number 2, which was in full swing when we arrived.  These people lived near us when I was growing up, and their son is my exact age.  We have baby pics of us together through out the years, and he grew up into quite the handsome fellow.  I hadn't seen him in a few years, and the last time I saw him, everyone joked that he was crushing on me.  I figured that that rumor was enough to make my move.  After several glasses of wine from the first party, I made a rookie mistake:  I switched to vodka.  The cute guys dad actually made it for me from a fancy vodka dispenser he had gotten that night as a gag gift.  oh boy.  I remember talking to N. about things like work and school etc.  I remember sitting next to him on the couch playing with a little dog named Rudy.  I remember following him into the dining room...kind of.  I don't remember saying good-bye.  I don't remember telling his mom that I wanted to marry him.  I don't remember whispering in his dad's ear as we were leaving that I thought his son was really cute.  I don't remember the drive home or walking into our hotel.

I woke up the next day with the worst hang over of my life.  And it was Christmas day!  I had a full day of events ahead of me!  I dragged myself into my parents room to try and piece together the previous nights details.  My dad had no idea I was drunk and my mom thought it was absolutely hilarious.  She laughed at me as she told me that I was following this guy around like a puppy.  Like a dog in heat were her exact words.  Oops.  I was mortified, this guy probably thinks I'm some crazy drunk girl.  I had to see his family the next day at lunch.  No one said anything to me of course, but I felt really awkward!  I mean it's really embarrassing but here's the thing, everyone does embarrassing stuff when they're tipsy right?  You just have to laugh it off!

The secret office affair and my 'bad boy' complex

So here I am, newly single, still recovering from my trauma, and having a ball with my new bff.  I'm feeling very confident because I have lost some weight, and have a new glamorous appearance courtesy of CE.  It's this moment that I decide I'm going to date the office bad boy...or so I thought.

When I tell CE who my crush is she actually laughed, like out loud, and thought I was kidding.  This begins our discussion of standards, and why I should have some.  This guy is the exact opposite of who I should be dating.  He is a baggy-pants wearing, chain smoking, motorcycle riding "wanna-be" gangsta, with a foul mouth to boot.  Swoon!

We had worked together for nearly a year when I set my sights on him.  He is several years younger than I am, so I knew I would need assistance in my endeavor.  I reverted to a tactic that dates back to grade school, and should stay there: get my friend to ask him out for me.  This never works and is never a really good idea, it's confusing to people and it takes the attention away from you.  The World Series had just started so I thought a sports bar drink would be a fun first date.  I had CE call him up and ask him out.  Needless to say it was very awkward and made him think it was her who was interested.  Enter a third party, the nosy older colleague.  VV had known A. for years, and was absolutely thrilled about my idea to seduce him.  If only I had known that she is absolutely thrilled about literally anything, so her opinion cannot be trusted.  I had her clear up the mix-up and told him that it was ME who was interested, not CE.  He flashed one of his dreamy grins and I knew I had the go-ahead.

Next step: initiate flirtation.  I pretended I needed some wood glue so I texted him asking to borrow some.  With the text conversation in full swing I began to chat him about the baseball game, any light conversation that would result is a reason to meet up for a drink.  Well we won the world series that year so my opportunity presented itself.

After our first night of texting, he came up to me at the office the next day to make sure that I was actually flirting with him.  I assured him I was and said that I was excited for our celebratory drink.  Our first date was after work on a Tuesday, we met at a little dive bar near my house.  I could tell he was super nervous.  We had two drinks and then he kissed me, right there sitting at the bar.  No hinting at it, no smooth moves, just planted one right on me mid-conversation.  Talk about awkward, but of course I loved it.  I asked if he wanted to walk me home and he said yes.  He walked me all the way to my door where we kissed some more, a lot more.  Then I said goodnight.  I was so excited! I thought my fool-proof to make this guy my bf was well under way.

The next day was Halloween and I had to work the night shift.  We happened to be having a little work party and he is the one in charge of serving the food and drinks.  I was trying SO hard to be non-chalant.   But this was new territory for me.  I didn't know how to act around him and ended up just be really quiet and awkward.  Our second date was the next day.  I invited him over for Martinis ETC...  I ended up getting waaaaaaay too drunk because I was so nervous.  Things quickly escalated to the bedroom and before I knew it we were about to become very intimate.  Just before we started, he stopped and looked at me and said  "I know you really want a boyfriend, but I can't date anyone right now, and I just want to do right by you."  GREAT.  We had hung out less than twice, and he already knew "I really wanted a boyfriend"  Is my desperation really that apparent! I of course agreed with him and the intimacy proceeded.  It was clear that he hadn't been with anyone in quite some time, and he was very eager.  It was so fun!  But I knew immediately when he said the dreaded words, deep down I knew.

Date 3 was one week later on a really rainy Friday night.  I was annoyed because he texted me just before he arrived saying that he wouldn't be able to stay long.  Ok.  Cool.  You don't HAVE to come over jeez.  We met at my place and then walked, in heels, in the rain, to the bar.  When we got there that power had just gone out so there were all these people just sitting there drinking in the dark.  No thanks.  We went someplace else and chatted for several hours.  He walked me home again and when we got there the power in our apartment had gone out too.  CE had lit several candles because of the storm and it gave the apartment a really romantic feel.  Then we got intimate again.  And then he left.  This is when I learned why you should date someone who is able to sleepover, because it's one of the most awkward things when someone comes to your house, has sex with you, and then leaves.  And the reason that he left is even worse.  He lives with his mother and he needed to get back to her...like wtf.  I had a really bad feeling after that date.  This was right before Thanksgiving and it was while I was home for the holidays that he began to distance himself.

About two months went by of me trying to initiate contact, both in person and via text, to no avail.  Some days he would kiss me in the gallery but not respond to my texts.  Some days I would ask him when we were going to hang out again and he would say he was really busy.  I really went overboard in my attempts.  My two friends were thoroughly exasperated with me for trying so hard with someone so beneath my level.  I would dress up and try to catch his attention at work, sometimes I got a response, but most of the time I didn't.

We finally hung out one more time.  That's right, this whole thing was only 4 dates.  And you couldn't even really call them dates.  Our final night together he cooked me a steak and mashed potatoes, but he wouldn't eat with me, so I awkwardly ate by myself, food that I had paid for myself.  After that night, all of my attempts were fruitless.  This whole charade with him was over in just a month and a half.  My feelings weren't quite so quick to leave.  I carried a torch for him for months, thinking I could convince him to hang out with me again.  We never did.

Cut to present day.  Feelings are gone entirely.  I do not want to date this guy at all.  I actually consider us friends and we are able to be normal at work.  No hard feelings on my part.  He definitely is not the guy for me.    

The turning point & life with CE

I cannot stress enough the importance of my two main girlfriends in getting over this break-up.  After that first night with CE, we pretty much spent every waking moment together, and worked hard expressing the fabulousness that was my new life :)  I kept telling her, "you're going to get sick of my sadness and my constant need for reassurance that everything will be ok"  and she always had the same, automatic reply, "Never"

I spent the next few days with her before I was able to stay in my apartment alone.  I stayed in that apartment for one month, thinking that I was going to have to rent a room from some strangers if I wanted to live in the city.  I didn't think that living with CE was even an option, but they say everything happens for a reason, and the alignment of our circumstances make me believe this more than ever.

Her roommate ended up leaving just as I was looking for a new place, it was pretty much meant to be!  I moved in October 1st and could not believe how drastically my situation had changed in just over a month.  I now had a giant room in a beautiful 1920's apartment with a view of one of the most iconic landmarks in the whole U.S., and was living with a girl who is pretty much a walking boost of self-esteem for me.  It's funny when you think about relationships and why certain people come into your life and the circumstances under which things happen.  The universe basically handed me the most positive, fun-loving, encouraging person on a silver platter and said, "go play".  She came into my life during the darkest time I've ever had, and, not only helped me rebuild my life, but made it 1,000 times better.  We have the most fun together and just laugh until our sides hurt at our own inside jokes. I thank my lucky stars every day that I have this person in my life.

 Girlfriends are tricky things, and I've had enough to know what a true friend is and she is it.  She reassures me over and over and over that things will be ok, and they are.  To this day I bombard her with my anxious worries and can't seem to write a text message without her approval! She still says she'll never get sick of my need for advice but I'm skeptical ;)  Whenever she comes to me with a complaint or a feeling of inadequacy, I always remind her what she did for me, and the impact it had on my life.

Ladies, life is hard enough as a girl, don't make it harder on yourself.  Cherish your friendships and put as much effort into them as you would a boyfriend, because they are rare.

Rule No. 3 Have Good Girlfriends!

You know that feeling you get when you wake up after a big change or a big loss, and you know something is different but it takes you a second to realize what happened.  Then it all hits you at once, and you're like...oh yeah.  I woke up and had all these emails from him from through out the night, pleading with me to come back blah blah blah...

It was my day off and before all this happened, I had made plans to see my cousin for breakfast. She was visiting and I didn't want to cancel so I woke up really early and drove to the restaurant.  I could barely wash my face alone change out of my pajamas, so I showed up looking probably as horrible as I felt.  She of course had no idea either so I filled her in.  She had also been in a bad situation and had made it out, so she was able to offer me perspective.  I'm so grateful she was there, because I was terrified of going to the apartment.  I wasn't scared of him, or that he would be there, or maybe I was I don't remember.  One thing I kept hearing over and over from the people I told was that they'd like to meet this guy so they could kick his sorry ass.  My cousin actually could kick someone's ass so I'm happy she was the one to go back with me for the first time, in case he was there.  I guess I was scared of how I would feel when I saw all of his stuff gone.  I knew that it would be very final, and finality really scares me, even now.  I went in, took it all in, and packed more things to stay with CE.  I just kept saying over and over "I'm so sad, I'm so sad" and luckily I had the right people there at the right time to tell me that everything would be better now.  This brings me to my most favorite rule, Rule No. 3: Have Good Girlfriends!

I always refer to this as my new fabulous life, because the break-up was a huge turning point in my life.  I had a string of loser boyfriends in the past before the Biggest Loser, so this was really my first time being single as an adult.  But I have to give a proper clarification that my life was fabulous before.  I lived abroad and met my other best friend before all this happened.  This experience really made us a lot closer.  CL, the other bestie, and I are a very unlikely pair.  She is foreign and very proper, and I am American and sometimes very un-proper.  She always tells me that she was afraid of me because I wore red lipstick and looked very serious.  I just remember her being the quiet foreign girl amongst a group of loud, rowdy Americans.  I don't even remember how we first started hanging out, but before long we were inseparable and could often be found at the local pub drinking Pimms and eating expensive cake she had bought.

CL was actually one of the few people who met he-who-must-not-be-named.  It was on Day 2 that I told her what had happened and she was just as shocked as CE, at least I think she was.  I feel that she may have had an inkling that he was at the very least, not exactly suitable for me.  We had gone to dinner with CL and her boyfriend while they were visiting and, when I made my confession, she told me that she hadn't liked him very much, and he had really put on a good show for her to seem normal.

She promptly emailed me this list that she had written, it's simply amazing and makes me smile to this day. Again, these things seem simple and very obvious, but I needed to hear them over and over and over again. Love you CL :)

Your list!

1.  Must shower and brush teeth once a day minimum!
2. If they make you feel bad about yourself, or tell you that you are worthless, or any personal putdowns, thats not acceptable, even in a fight.  It it's a fight, it's a fight about a particular behaviour ie; your behaviour makes me feel shit, NOT you are a piece of shit and the way you behave is fucked up. 
3. They must be respectful of your parents - your parents have done a wonderful job raising you, and you have turned out brilliantly, your mum is beyond nice and so cool and I haven't met your dad but presume he is too!  If anyone is insulting of your family, without an exceptionally valid reason, then that's just not good enough.
4. If he ever raises a hand to you, even if its a hit on the arm, leave. Period. You never deserve to be hit, slapped, pushed, or have things thrown at you.  (Unless the push is pushing you out of the way of a car and saving your life!) think about it, you don't go around slapping people, so no one should be doing that to you, any violence is completely and utterly unacceptable, and if it happens once, it will almost definitely happen again, no matter how sorry they are.
5. If you ever feel like you have to hide parts of your relationship from your closest friends, then you know that there's something wrong- you should never feel like you are keeping part of your life from people - if you are ashamed of something, or know deep down it's not right, then that is a major red flag.
6. He should respect your privacy - you should be able to leave your facebook and emails unattended and know that he won't snoop, let alone force you to give up passwords.  A big part of relationship is trust - if you can't trust someone, you can't be with them.  Your sanity is the most important thing, your mental health, and physical health, are not things that should ever be put at risk.  
7. He should never make you feel like everything is your fault - a relationship takes two people working together to achieve success, he should support you and be proud of you, not bringing you down.  Accusing you of not trying hard enough is not acceptable either  - you put so much effort into your relationships, if anything he should be grateful for you and appreciate what you do for him.  Now if it is constructive criticism then there's a difference, maybe he'll say "I really love when you cook this dish, do you think you could do it more often for me?" or "Maybe we could try to be more open with each other?" or even "Sometimes I feel like you are closed off from me, it would mean a lot to me and our relationship if you could feel more comfortable with me and want to tell me more about yourself"...that sort of stuff (less cheesy though!) but you know the difference missy, coz you are a smart girl!
8. Above all, he should make you feel loved and secure, not scared, and not like you aren't doing enough.  If the good days don't outweigh the bad then something isn't quite right, but you are the most important person, because at the end of the day the only person you have is yourself.  You must love yourself before anyone else can, and you need to remember that you deserve respect and to be treated well - look at the way your dad and mum treat each other, think of other successful relationships and see difference in how they talk to each other, even when having disagreements.  Most importantly, never be afraid of being alone, because being alone and happy is better than living through hell with somebody, if somebody else is negatively impacting your self esteem, or trying to control you rather than encourage you then you know it's not right.  Think of how your dad treats you, like his princess, that's what you deserve.  Nothing less.  

(you can call me Dr. CL hehe)

The Stay Strong List

I sat on the floor of T's office crying hysterically, while she calmly continued working and assuring me that everything would be fine.  The urge to reach out to him was overwhelming, and I would have if she had not stepped in.  In order to organize my thoughts I made this list.  I needed to remind myself over and over again why I had left.  It's actually a very effective technique, list-making.  Whenever I feel down and out I make a mental list of all the things I'm grateful for, and it helps me keep perspective.

Luckily T.  had already made up an excuse for me as to why I was not able to work and had arranged for me to leave early.  Another little work friend of mine was just getting off her shift and had come upstairs to see what was going on.  CE was just an acquaintance too at this point, we had worked together for a few months, but weren't best friends just yet.  My abuser limited my social outings, so I was only able to hang out with her a few times before this.  She saw me in my hysterical state and immediately invited me to spend the night.  She lived just a few blocks from work so I peeled myself off the floor and followed her home.  I was already so surprised by the outpouring of support from these two people I had told my secret to, they barely knew me and within a few hours, I had experienced with them the most traumatic shift in my life thus far.  You can think you're totally alone, but I've found that desperate times can bring out the best in people.  Although T. and I have had our share of ups and downs as co-workers and as friends, I will always be grateful to her for what she did for me that day.

And little did I know what I was getting myself into with CE, let the fabulous new life begin!  I was still crying hysterically when she plopped me down on her bed, ordered a pizza, and opened a bottle of La Crema.  I sat there and told her everything, her jaw dropping farther and farther each time I recalled something that had happened to me.  She did exactly what I needed someone to do: listen.  I just needed to get it all out to know that it was real.  I had kept everything to myself for so long that the flood gates just opened and it all came out.  I slept really soundly that night.  My email was pinging over and over again and I would wake up to an inbox full of emails from him, as that was the only way he could contact me.

T. Takes Control

One of the worst things about being in an abusive relationship is how they isolate you.  My abuser, we'll call him he-who-must-not-be-named, was not only physically and emotionally violent with me, he was also a calculated socio-path.  He carried on an elaborate scheme that involved posing as me in my online outlets, social media, email etc.  One of his main goals was to slowly push away those closest to me.  So when I stress the importance of Rule No. 1, finding someone you can trust with accountability can be hard.

 Luckily, I had a couple outstanding girl friends (more on them later), however, this girl I asked to meet me that day was not one of them.  At the time, she was merely an acquaintance and a co-worker with a very head-strong personality.  I didn't know it at the time, but I could not have picked a more appropriate person to unleash my first confession on.  I didn't have any close friends living near me at the time, so my co-workers became the only people I would socialize with.  This girl had been friendly to me ever since I started my job, and it was clear that she was eager for someone her own age to hang out with.  We had gone out for drinks a few times but were by no means close.  I just knew that she would be working that night and that she would have make-up, so I called her to meet me.  We sat in the coffee shop and she fixed my make-up and I told her everything.  This girl can be one of those pesky, know-it-all types, but it just so happened that she was familiar with abuse, and lucky for me, she knew exactly what to do.

When I left my house that day I didn't have a plan.  I didn't think he would actually move out.  When I failed to return, he sent me a barrage of threats via text and I ignored them.  I don't know what made him move out so quickly, but within an hour of me leaving, he had a friend with a truck over at the house and was loading his stuff into it.  Just as I was about to start my shift I received some photos from him of our empty apartment, very dramatic on his part, but nevertheless those photos sent me over the edge.

There is a very intense and very specific feeling that I get when I panic.  The same feeling that caused me to return to him time after time even though I knew it was so very, very wrong.  The feeling is a fear of being alone.  It sounds so silly to me now, but I know exactly why abused women stay in their relationships far too long.  It's out of fear of being alone.  Your  head is so deep underwater that you can't even see out, let alone think clearly and rationally.  This same fear caused me to stay in another relationship for way too long, so it is a pattern of thinking that I struggle with on a daily basis.  This panic would set in and I wouldn't go through with my attempts at leaving he-who-must-not-be-named, my irrational mind set would convince me that being with him was better than not having any one at all.  This leads to my most very important Rule No. 2, being happy and fulfilled with your own company.  Sounds very basic, but is something that not a lot of people can do.  More on Rule No. 2 later...

The reality of him really being gone caused me to have a very intense physical reaction.  T. and I had left the coffee shop and were just starting to work when I really broke down.  I'm surprised I was able to make it about an hour with a brave face on, not letting the public know anything was wrong.  But then I couldn't take it any longer, all I wanted to do was run back to him, to beg him to stay with me because I was scared.  T. has a private office and I ran upstairs to her and collapsed into a ball on the ground.  I was physically sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe.  T. did something that I would never have thought of, and is single-handedly the reason I made it through to the other side.  She very calmly took my cell phone, logged onto my wireless account, and blocked his number.

So simple, I can't believe I hadn't of thought of it before!  That physical barrier, him not being able to reach me, and me not being able to reach him, stopped me from crawling back like I did all those other times.  She rolled out a sleeping bag next to her desk and I sat on the floor of her office wailing and sobbing like a mad woman for the next few hours.  I felt an emptiness inside me that I will never, ever, EVER feel again.  I felt, lost, scared, alone, with no idea where I was going to stay or what I was going to do.  At the time, I couldn't even bear the thought of returning to the emptied out apartment, and the thought would send me into hysterics.  T. simply sat at her desk and continued to do her work while I sat on the ground next to her wailing like a crazy person.  I begged her to undo the block but she just kept repeating to me "It'll be fine, It'll be fine."  She told me stories of how her father had abused her mother and how an abuser never changes their ways, no matter how many promises.  The only way is to get the eff out.  Enter CE.

Day 1 of my new fabulous life

This whole adventure began with not a mistake, but a HUGE success.  I am attempting to write the do's and don'ts of dating, and the best DO of them all was leaving an abusive relationship.  Not to start on too somber of a note, but my fabulous single life began when I made a spur of the moment decision to leave my abuser.  I spent two miserable years as a shell of a person, my self-image being slowly chipped away by the verbal and physical torment inflicted on me by the person I was in a relationship with.  

It was August 22nd, 2012 and I woke up on that Wednesday not knowing that would be the last day with him.  I remember the details of the day, we had gotten in a fight, like the millions of other fights he started with me.  I don't remember exactly what it was about, they were always ridiculous minute things, but it escalated to the point where I did what I had done a thousand times before, packed a bag.  Whenever he fought with me, I would always retaliate by threatening to leave the apartment.  That morning, during the fight, I threw a few things in a bag and threatened to walk out.  He finally calmed down and stopped yelling at me enough that I could start getting ready to leave for work.  I remember sitting in the shower and just feeling entirely defeated, as I had done a thousand times before.  Whenever I'm really sad I always sit down in the shower and kind of get lost in my thoughts, its therapeutic to me.  I don't remember coming to a specific conclusion but started just kind of functioning on auto-pilot.  I got out of the shower and got dressed in my safari dress and started gathering my things to leave.  He sensed my panic and began to question why I was leaving for work hours before I needed to.  Somehow I gathered my necessities, grabbed the bag I had thrown together in the heat of our fight, walked out the door, and ran to my car.  He ran after me crying and screaming, like every other time, and chased me down the street. I got in my car, locked it, and drove away.  I made it. I was out.  

I had threatened to leave him countless times, and even tried once or twice.  My half-hearted efforts always ended in me submitting defeat to him and crawling back to the hell hole that was our apartment.  But I felt different this day and made one very crucial change.  Rule No. 1 in leaving an abusive relationship...Tell Someone.  

Part of his abuse was an advanced emotional manipulation he used to make me think I was crazy and that everything was my fault.  Because of this,  I hid everything from everyone.  Not one single person close to me had even the foggiest idea of the extent of what I was enduring.  I was really good at hiding it.  The most important first step is telling someone.  This makes you accountable.  I never wanted anyone to know because not only was I ashamed, I knew I would have to act on my confession.  This would make me accountable to myself.  

As I drove away from the apartment that day, he called me and begged me to come back.  Then when I said no, he would say "Fine, it's over".  We had this sick little dialogue that we would act out every time, same threats, same pleas, same outcome.  If I didn't give into his pleas to turn around and come back he would threaten to move out.  I would always say no please stay, but this time I said "Fine, move out."  And I meant it and he knew it.  Somehow I made it into the city and called one of my co-workers to the coffee shop near our work.  I knew she would have make-up and I knew I looked a fright and would have an entire shift ahead of me.  That meeting with her was very central in my transition, and I didn't even recognize it at the time.