Perfect on Paper Guy (Round 2...oops)

Fast forward 8 months...8 months and several more disappointments later.  MR and I had stayed friends on social media, and therefore I was aware of what he was up to and vice-versa.  His Facebook and Instagram feeds added to his perfect on paper-ness, he would post funny anecdotes, sayings, and photos that always made me laugh and think of him fondly.

After a few particularly lonely weekends I decided to reach out.  I thought maybe, just maybe, I had judged him too quickly.  I mean isn't it the intellectual attraction that leads to long happy marriages?  As expected, he jumped at the chance to go out again, and we made a date to go to brunch the following Saturday.  I went into it thinking I could just be friends with this guy right?  My friends warned me that it was a bad idea because we knew he had feelings for me, and you can't just turn that off.  It can be a particularly sharp dagger to the heart to be forced to hang out platonically with someone, knowing they don't share your romantic feelings.  Oh well I thought, I was lonely, bored, and in search of male companionship.  Not one of my prouder moments I do admit.

The day of: brunch at a fabulous down town brasserie, complete with mimosas.  Brunch turned into a walk through Union Square, which turned into beers and a football game at a sports bar.  We ended up spending the whole day together, and I thought to myself...hmmm spark??  I had just enough beer to feel like getting rowdy and I invited him back to my place.  As we walked home, arm in arm, I tried to picture myself with this guy.  We got home and made out a little before I moved it into the bedroom.  We didn't have sex...but I let him have his way with me just a little.  I knew right away that it was a mistake, and now I had gotten in this far, and would have to find a way out.  Earlier in the day, we had made tentative plans to see a museum show the following weekend, so I knew I would have to break those plans too! Eeeks. I made up some excuse about being tired and he let himself out.

Shamefully I did the slow fade.   I broke our museum plans, and then just never re-scheduled.  I may have left a few subsequent texts unanswered too...I am not proud of this and I received a FIRM scolding from CL. She was quite unhappy with me, and rightfully so.  It was childish not to tell him straight up that I wasn't feeling it.  I bury my face in my hands when I think about how disrespectful it was to slow fade from him after we had been intimate and I knew he liked me.  It was just the clearest and most blunt way to send the message I wanted to send, which was it ain't gonna happen.

Perfect on Paper Guy

Anastasia actually gave me a dating two-fer, not only did she get me set up on OkCupid, the dating website, she also set me up with my first real proper date.  Ever.  When she heard that I was new to the dating scene, she jumped at the chance to set me up with her friend MR.  MR was a guy that SHE had met on OkCupid months earlier and, as I found out later to be untrue, was not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with.  We added each other on social media so both of us could scope out the other, and when we both agreed to meet, he set up a perfectly proper first date at my favorite little wine bar.

When I say first proper date, what I mean is that I had never actually met someone for the first time in a romantic dinner setting, where they wore a tie, pulled out my chair, picked up the tab etc...I know, I know it seems late in the game.  I had dated a string of losers for so many years, I had absolutely no standards as to how I should be treated.  Losers even before he-who-must-not-be-named, not in an abusive way, just in a loserish way.  They didn't have proper jobs, proper manners, proper anything.  They were young, unmotivated man children who didn't know the meaning of an adult relationship.

Enter MR and his perfect on paper-ness.  He was 32, worked for the largest tech company in the city, made plenty of money, dressed well, was educated, came from a good family...you can just run down the list of non-negotiable attributes and he checked every single one.  Not only that, but he had his light on.  A guy having his light on is a term from Sex and The City (i.e. the dating bible) where guys are like cabs.  When they're ready to be in a relationship and settle-down, they turn their lights on.  A woman can be her most beautiful, charming self, and if the guy doesn't have his light on,  it will go nowhere.  MR definitely had his light on.

Our first date was a lovely little french wine bar and we ate and drank and chatted up a storm.  I was not immediately attracted to him physically, but the conversation was excellent, and he was just so nice and proper, that I knew I would have to see him again.  We hugged goodbye and he promptly texted me that he had a swell time and would like to go out again.

Our second date was just a few days later, and he took me to this super fancy seafood restaurant in the mission where I tried oysters for the first time!  Hug goodbye, no kiss.  I still wasn't feeling the butterflies you get when you think someone is really cute.  I  felt like I was trying to convince myself to like him.  This is the sweetest, most perfect guy, and I wasn't the least bit sexually attracted to him.  I felt frustrated at the thought of giving up someone so genuinely nice and smart and funny, when I had a string of losers in my past.  CE and CL pointed out that ALL the guys I date should be up to this standard, and that I don't need to marry the first guy who actually treats me properly.

I decided to have one last ditch effort at chemistry, I decided I would go out with him and kiss him.  Just on the off-chance that was all I needed to light the spark.  Third date: swanky Italian restaurant, lots of wine and pasta...and a cocktail or two.  I was feeling brave and summoned up the courage to just go for it.  At the end of what felt like 10 courses, he walked me to a cab.  Just as he opened the door for me, I went in for the kill.  It was completely lackluster,  not a spark at all.  I pray to god he never reads this because he was truly so very kind and fun to be around.  I just couldn't summon up the feelings I needed to feel to really like someone.  I ended it the next day, and he was, of course, a perfect gentleman about it.  He said that dating is a process and this was a fun one...I mean is that the nicest thing ever.  UGH!!!

Online Dating Begins

Back to square one.  A dinner date with a girl named Anastasia was my first foray into the terrifying world that is online dating.  After hearing about the failures that were my steamy work affair and the too-young MWS, she promptly offered me a solution: OkCupid.  This is a free dating site for 20-somethings similar to eHarmony or Match.com.  At this stage in my journey, I had NEVER even thought of online dating,  not that I looked down upon it, the thought just never presented itself in my day to day life.  I knew a few girls who had used it in London, and they had moderate success, still the idea seemed very foreign to me.  I thought that people would just judge me on my pictures and I felt really awkward writing about myself, with the intent of seducing someone with my personality?  This is too weird.

Anastasia was quite forceful, she immediately commandeered my laptop and began setting up my profile.  She wrote these completely ridiculous, drawn-out, lengthy paragraphs describing me, which were not in my voice at all.  But I was a good sport and went along with it.  Anastasia is this real take-charge kind of girl, and the second she senses a project, she moves in full steam ahead.  She not only made my profile, but started "liking" guys for me, and writing them these equally ridiculous messages full of things I would never say.  She was very clear with me, you will only get out of this what you put into it, she said to me.  Meaning that I would need to log hours reading and re-reading people's profiles, trying to eek out some semblance of attraction or interest.  It was fun at first, but then felt like a lot of work with little to no result.

A week or so later, I went on my first and only OkCupid date.  His name was Henning and he was German.  His pictures were cute enough, although he looked different in every one, a huge red flag in the online dating world.  We had a few flirty emails back and forth, before we exchanged phone numbers and began texting.  When he asked to meet, I suggested the cafe/bar by my work, where I could make a quick getaway if needed.  Turns out it was needed, badly.  

We greeted each other and sat down at the bar, I ordered my favorite drink, and when the server turned to him, he ordered water.  Just. water. What?  The server, who knows me, looked at me quizzically.   He confessed, "Oh, by the way, I don't drink."  I thought to myself, then why hell did you meet me at a bar?  He said that he "partied too hard in college" and was sober now.  Which is fine, more power to you.  However as the lovely bestie CE said when I asked her if I could date someone who didn't drink, she looked me and rattled off three major points off on her fingers.  Brunch, Napa, wedding toast.  Three activities a sober partner could not partake in.  No thank you.

It wasn't just that he didn't drink.  After ordering his water, he launched into a speech about how the CalTrain unions were going to be the downfall of our society.  I'm all for discussing politics, but never on the first date, and not if you're a weird communist.  I pretty much gulped down my drink, made up an excuse about needing to get back to work, and high-tailed it outta there.  The entire date lasted maybe 20 minutes.

I deleted my account the next day.  Not because of weird German guy, but because I just wasn't feeling it.  I conversed electronically with a few other guys, some I liked, some I didn't.  But I never met another guy from OKC again.  I just could never get the hang of reading through all the stuff.  Which is why I switched to Tinder, but more on that later :)

Not every guy will be your boyfriend

As a newbie to the dating scene, I tend to be a little bit irrational sometimes, and have the hugest expectations known to man.  I pretty much go into every first date thinking, "Is this my new boyfriend!"...I'm learning how to lower my expectations, at least until I get to know the person!  I'm trying to get this thing up to present day, so I can write about what I'm actually doing today in this moment.  But there's just too many good stories that need to be told.  This one is about expectations.  MWS's expectations were WAY too high, even for me.  So I moved on from him.  Back to JL, the bartender.  I figured I could pretty much call him up anytime I wanted, since he was so eager to date me at first.  One particularly lonely Friday night, I contacted him saying I wanted to hang out.  He was working at his other bar ( one of about five jobs this guy has...) and invited me to come see him.  I gathered up my trusty crew, CE and her bf, and hauled them down to this little dive bar that had a NYC theme.  The night would play out like this, I told myself going into it: I would sit at the head of the bar, be doted on by him and given endless free drinks, before being whisked home for a night of passionate love-making.  I told you my expectations were high.  Needless to say this was not what happened, and therefore, because I had set my self up so high, I was extremely disappointed when things didn't go according to plan.

First of all it was a Friday night, the tiny place was packed.  JL greeted us warmly, like always, and leaned across the crowded bar to kiss me on the cheek. He immediately cleared people off three stools for us,
( which CE reminded me later was actually very nice) and poured our drinks.  Then he did the unthinkable! He went back to work (shock!) CE had to remind me that he was in fact, at his place of work, and this was not a date.  I totally thought it was a date.  I thought he was going to stand and talk to me all night, with his arm around me, like he had done before.  The feeling began to set in that I was being ignored.  A couple of drinks set in and I began to feel angry.  Now, anyone who knows me, knows that I am not an angry drunk.  I've known some girls in my life that are angry drunks.  This means that they get scary and confrontational and violent when they get a little tipsy.  They yell and curse and may even throw things.  I am not this way at all.  However, I do sometimes get a little emotional.  I proceeded to complain (louder and louder) that I was being ignored, and that I was angry about it.  CE even had to take me outside! Haha I don't think I have ever needed to be taken outside!  Luckily, the bar was busy and loud enough that he couldn't hear my ridiculous complaints.  CE gently calmed me down, and reminded me that not every guy I date is going to be my boyfriend.  JL had absolutely no obligation to me that night, after all, I was the one who blew him off the first go around.  I can't just expect him to drop everything and pay attention to only me!  We left promptly (Thank you CE!) and I'm pretty sure I sent him a drunk text...oops.  Whether or not it was an angry text or a sexy text, I can't remember.  But I highly recommend doing neither of those things when you're angry.  This lesson was a hard one, one I'm still working on.

That one was the end of my rendez-vous with the bartender.  I still see him on the street and say hi.  He was definitely not the one :)

The young guy from the Haight district or MWS

I mentioned previously how important it is to have good girl friends in your life, and how I stumbled upon CL during my time abroad.  Unfortunately, meeting people abroad usually means that when your time together is over, they tend to scatter to various parts of the world.  CL lives about as far away from me as you could get, the other side of the world to be exact, lucky for me she loves to travel!  I was hosting my kiwi bestie for a week of girls time and I was determined to show her a good time.  She insisted on going to this fabulous, 1960's themed bar where they serve big umbrella drinks in pineapples, and there's a floating band in a moat around the restaurant.  After some dinner and dancing, we met an interesting group of people that CL found interesting and wanted to talk to.  They looked friendly, enough, two guys and a girl, young and professional looking.  They invited us to go with them to a bar in the famed Haight district.  One of my dating resolutions is to never pass up an opportunity to go somewhere new, or meet someone new, you never know what could happen!  So CL an I hopped in a cab and followed them over to the Haight.

The Haight district is well known for being the center of the 1960's Summer of Love movement, and that hippy vibe has turned into one of the most fun places to bar hop in the city.  The bar is called Milk and they have great live music and craft beers, a hipster's dream!  CL posted up at the table with her beer and chatted with our new friends while I explored the place a little.  Mind you, we had begun the night at a very swanky, grown-up bar, so we were quite dressed up.  I felt that I looked a little out of place in my little black dress and heels amongst the crowd, but hey! It's never a bad idea to stand out!

I was standing by myself watching the band when MWS walked up to me and said "Come here often?"  Ok I know, I know, cheesiest pick up line ever but you've got to give the guy credit, it's not easy to walk up to a stranger and just start conversation.  He was cute, a bit short, but was dressed well and very confident! Confidence is key, it's something that is very intriguing to me.  Not cocky, no one likes a know-it-all, but confident.  He introduced himself using his full name, middle name included, which was odd but unique. He offered to buy me a drink, I accepted, and we went to go join CL.  Unfortunately, our new friends had left CL all by her lonesome, so MWS (not so subtly ) had his friend chat her, so he could chat me.  CL, being the loyal wing-woman, played along.

The attraction was immediate and we had a lot in common, which made the conversation flow nicely.  After beer number 2 he made his move.  Again! The confidence in this guy!  To just go in for a kiss, mid-conversation, is risky.  You could receive the dreaded pull-back, but lucky for him I was into it.  We hit it off and ended up closing the bar down.  Before we said goodnight, he took my phone and proceeded to enter his number into it.  He put the name as his whole name, first, middle, and last, so he will forever be labeled as the three name guy!

The next morning I woke up giddy at the thought of a new prospect.  I initiated a text conversation by saying that it was fun meeting him, and that we should hang out again soon.  CL approved, and was proud of me for considering someone who actually had a proper job and education.

Our second meeting, or real first date, he invited me back to the Haight, but to a different bar with an African theme.  I could tell he was trying to impress me because he wore a little sweater vest with a collared shirt, and oxford shoes.  We split a bottle of sake and chatted in a more conducive environment to conversation, no loud music, not too dark, and plenty of places to sit.  All in all I was feeling really good about it, until the end.  As I made moves to leave, he offered to walk me to the bus and I let him.  Then as we were walking outside, he said "Can we go to my car to make-out?"...uh sure? Kind of an odd request, being that we are not in high school, and not parked up at make-out point or whatever it's called.  I was put off, but agreed.  I mean he could have at least offered to drive me home! His car was messy and old and I didn't let it last very long before I made my exit.  This was my first red flag that this guy was either too young, or weird, or both.

 A few days later MWS did something that is absolutely unheard of in this day and age, he called me! He actually picked up his phone and called me to ask me out again, so I had to give him major props.  Not only that, but he invited me over to his apartment to cook me a fancy dinner.   This was completely new territory for me, a proper guy inviting me on a proper date!  I was nervous because it was so foreign, but excited at the same time.  I arrived at his place and was pleasantly surprised.  Here is a 22-year-old with a college degree and his own large studio apartment in the city, very impressive.  The apartment was nice and clean and had a very relaxed vibe.  He made me salmon and risotto with a lovely salad and a nice wine.  After dinner we listened to records and compared favorite classic rock bands.  I could tell that he was eager, a little too eager, and it came off as desperate.  I wasn't planning on sleeping with him but he made his move and I didn't resist, what the hell I thought, he seems nice enough.  The sex was awful! First of all, it took place on one of those two-seater Ikea couches, strike one.  I was disappointed to discover that our chemistry halted entirely at the kissing.  He practically begged me to sleepover, and became whiney when I said no that I had to work in the morning, strike two.  No whining or pouting is allowed. ever. I got home that night contemplating if I would ever consider seeing him again.

This is when he started to come off as really desperate.  Not only would he text me weird things, he actually had the nerve to call me on a Saturday night and leave me a disgruntled voicemail saying "I thought we were going to hang out tonight and I was expecting to see you"  when we had made no such plans.  I decided to give him one last chance and invited him over to meet CE and her boyfriend so I could get their opinion of him.  We took some beers up to my roof and he took me aside to ask me the question you should not ask until at least date number 9 or 10, "What are we and where is this going"  woah buddy!  I tried to laugh it off and reminded him that we had known each other exactly one week.  He was not satisfied with my response and started pouting, something that is the least sexy thing for a guy to do.  I made up some excuse about needing to go to bed to get him the heck out of my apartment.

Sorry MWS, desperation does not look good on you.  A week or so later he sent me an angry text message that I didn't want to see him anymore, and that he hopes I "have a nice life."

The 38-year-old Bartender

Thoroughly discouraged by my failure to convert the office bad boy into my life partner, I looked for any reason to distract myself from having to see A. every day.  For once, the opportunity presented itself quite easily, without the usual chase I was used to.  Enter JL.  My place of work is in a large commercial area with a neighborhood pub just across the street.  Our little street of shops consists of bodegas, souvenir stands, corner markets and restaurants.  Even though I work in a fairly tourist based industry, you slowly start to recognize people who work around you.

One cold Tuesday morning, I was sitting at my desk when a scruffy looking guy walked in.  I recognized his t-shirt as having the name of the restaurant nearby.  He walked up to my director to ask about the price of a piece hanging in the window.  She told him, and then he pointed at me and said "And who is this?"  My good-natured director laughed at him and told him my name and said that I could help him with any further questions he had.  He left the store and came back with a chocolate that he gingerly placed on my desk.  I looked at him questioningly.  He said he like the painting of the baseball player, and wished he could afford it for himself, and walked away.

My good-natured (much-older and female) director DM ran up to my desk squealing with delight that he was "flirting" with me.  I said "That was flirting?".  It all happened so fast, I had never seen this man before even though he apparently worked next door.  DM quickly concocted a scheme for me to flirt back.  We have small, postcard reproductions of pieces, and DM suggested I take one to him of his favorite Yankee.  It was almost quitting time by now, so I sauntered my self over to his bar.  When I presented him with the picture, he walked all the way around the bar, planted a huge kiss on my cheek, and gave me a great big bear hug.  His reaction was a bit surprising and threw me a bit off balance.  He immediately started making me a drink and asked me what I wanted to eat.  While I waited for my food, I sipped my martini and he regaled me with stories of New York,  and his adventures as a bartender in California.  As I signed my check he asked if he could take me out, I said yes and gave him my number.  He texted  me later that night asking me if I was ok "dating" a 38-year-old bartender. Woah woah woah buddy "date?", we haven't even gone out once yet! That should have been my first clue.

He called me the very next day and invited me out for a pub crawl with his other bartender friends.  I was to meet him at his bar at 6:00 pm for a small bite.  For some reason, I was more nervous to meet him than I was to meet A.  CE kindly reminded me that I know this guy likes me, so I have nothing to worry about! Easier said than done, this guy was ten years older than me, and I had never dated anyone who was even a few years older than me.

I had a really fun night.  He bought all my drinks, and we went all around the city to all these fun bars I had never even heard of!  This guy is apparently well-known ;), as most bartenders would be I guess.  We couldn't walk down the street without him stopping to say hi to every other person we passed.  We had a very nice goodnight kiss and I made my way home.

The next day I had to work until 10pm, and he called me around 9 asking me to meet him at a bar uptown.  Two days in a row? Sure!  I ran home, changed, and grabbed a cab to go meet him.  Things got pretty heavy with us that night and I ended up inviting him back to my apartment...oops.  It.was.AWFUL.  He had no moves, was awkward and bumpy, and did not satisfy me one (little) bit.  And then he snored so loudly I couldn't even sleep.  The next morning was even worse! He slept until 2:30pm, asked ME to keep it down, and wouldn't leave! I had to make-up some excuse as to why I had to leave, in order to get him to leave.  Like ew.

The following week he texted and called me incessantly.  Normally I would like this because I'm down with instant gratification, but for some reason it really turned me off.  He even came into my place of business and hung around looking for me.  Then I got this dreaded text, "I feel like you're avoiding me".  Buddy! It's been less than a week, like chill out, you're 38.    I was so turned off that I began to do the slow fade.  I was overwhelmed by his eagerness, and I wasn't even sure if a 38-year-old bartender was for me.  He finally stopped reaching out to me, which for some reason flipped a switch in my head that said "Hey, where'd you go?"  It's a funny thing, always wanting what you can't have.

I wouldn't see him for several weeks until I dragged my crew out to his bar one night when I was bored and wanted some attention.  More on that night later, but look for a post labeled "I'm Angry!"

T. Let the Secret Out

As I mentioned earlier, T. and I have had our ups and downs as co-workers.  She was essential in my break-up and helped me through that hard time.  However, as a friend she could be a bit catty.  My steamy work affair  was pretty much coming to a close at this point, or so I thought.  A. was very confusing as a love interest, very hot and cold.  It was hard to write about my experience with him in a concise manner, because I had to see him every day, our affair was drawn out longer.  Although we had only hung out a handful of times, there were times he would try and be sexual or flirty at work, and there were times he would ignore me completely.  It was very confusing.

By this time I had made a couple other close friends at work, girls that I would chat with about A., because they knew him well, and I would ask their advice.  Apparently he had already partaken in an office relationship, with the CEO's assistant, about a year prior to when I started with the company.  This girl had apparently broken his heart and then moved away, all the while stringing him along.  I came to the conclusion only recently that he must have been trying to get over her by fraternizing with me.  It's fine though, I have no hard feelings towards him now, he's still so young.

However, the problem I soon realized with confiding in select people, was that one of them would let the secret out.  It was (surprise!) T.  About one month after our last rendez-vous, I received a text from a close co-worker, that T. had let my secret out to the admin dept. at our company.  Since A. was in the admin dept, he was confronted about our affair by a couple of his fellow admin staff.  The rumour then slowly made it's way back to my department.  I knew it was T. and I confronted her immediately.  She said that she told her close friend, who told his close friend etc...how any rumour gets spread around.  She, however, did not think there was anything wrong with this confession of guilt.  She gave me some lame excuse about not keeping secrets.  So the tiny circle of knowledge had grown exponentially.

I managed to keep relatively calm throughout this, no one in the important upper ranks of the company are aware, (that I know of eeeeks).  And still to this day I play it cool.  I secretly think it's really pretty cool that I pulled off a somewhat incognito, steamy affair with the office bad boy :)